Kindly assemble here... yes you!
Disclaimer: Based on actual events.
Having an insecure, negative, anxious or depressed mind (or all of the above) exacerbates the chances of you being a good old people pleaser. Now don’t get me wrong, you aren’t the brown nosing type but you have this annoying, rash like capability of being the world’s most renowned people pleaser. You aim to make the next person feel as happy as possible or as relaxed as possible for whatever reason, completely forgetting that you probably need more help than they do.
Picture this scenario, you have a friend that wants to host a party however she can’t afford the frills and the useless decorations that will never be used again and so she asks you to host it. The oval shaped egg that you are, you agree and basically cover the cost- of well, everything. A few weeks go by and you my friend become a “scrub” (refer to TLC). You went out of your way to get things done and get a simple thank you hug and the day is completely forgotten. Your birthday is around the corner and you don’t even get a “Happy Birthday”…. Now, this is a slightly less severe story however I’ll ramp it up in a bit. In this scenario, you felt the need to be a people pleaser because you felt honored the person asked you to host it- completely forgetting that you would have to pay for the WHOLE DAMN THING. You felt honored because maybe this friend is someone you admire and really care about- but the relationship is clearly unmatched or one sided from their side. This happened to me BTW.
Let’s take another incident whereby you took it upon yourself to be the first human fairy God mother. Imagine this scenario, your supervisor asks you for help because the rest of your colleagues are potatoes and don’t know what they are actually doing everyday. You agree, thinking that maybe you would need similar assistance one day. You need to think less, my friend, because you are being played like the drum set you are. You do the duties and it takes you hours and by the next day you on a call with the same potato brain team and your supervisor doesn’t even mention what you did. It’s ok- we don’t do it for the points. Here, we did the work because someone made us feel capable and they made us feel better than anyone else- so we naturally felt like we were suddenly “good enough” in the eyes of our superior. Before you know it, you are inundated with work that other people get paid to do and end up slacking on your own work… which leads to added stress and eventually burnout.
Another scenario is when you get a call from a distant relative that suddenly remembers your charitable soul and uses that against you. It could be a vent session- that ultimately leads you to become the family gossip and blamed for generational curses or financially stressed because you spent money trying to help him/her. Here you felt needed or important because this family chose you out of 100 other people to dupe and your silly soul fell into the trap of a master manipulator. I guess it’s family so you brush it off until it happens again.
Being a people pleaser has so many layers. The first layer is if you lack confidence or feel like you are on the back burner at work, prompting you to seek some kind of validation from your superior to give you a boost of much required confidence. If you are insecure, an abusive relationship will make you feel like it’s ok for them to treat you in a certain way because it’s all you deserve and you want them to be pleased with you (whatever the consequence). Some people lack self esteem so if a friend reaches out and sought your assistance with something you feel “honored” they thought of you first- even if you were their 15th call of the day. Some people don’t believe that they are kick ass at their job and feel the need to over commit to prove their worth.
Dear friend, those days are over. If you aren’t secure in your capabilities and in your mindset, you will be walked on! You need to know that you are just as capable (if not more) than the next employee, and that pleasing people is not what you get paid to do. If you have the time and capacity to help, go for it- however, make sure your booty is covered first.
If you are someone that lacks confidence in your appearance, you tend to gravitate towards people that unfortunately, remind you of that and you continue this vicious cycle of self doubt. You feel as though what your partner says is right, even though your thoughts beg to differ. Kids, we all have a mindset of our own and this is why your mentality matters. It governs how you live your life and how others treat you.
I used to be a people pleaser and felt bad to even say “sorry, can’t really help because I’m broker than broke”, I would just make a plan and figure it out. It became unhealthy, toxic and just honestly tiring. It became something I relied upon because it made me feel somewhat important or special in some kind of ridiculous way. I used to be a person that would offer to drive long distances to make things easier for others or do their “call outs” because I never felt good enough for the job so I figured if they see I got called out on New Years day, I’d be given a medal of honor. Medal of honor my a…
I’m not that person anymore. Sure I am not the most confident being in my skin but hey that’s ok, one day I will be. I do still have mini debates with myself on the drive home if I did all I could in a situation and have the random outbursts of “am I good enough?” Here’s some Intel, the people that usually use your kind nature against you are actually intimidated by your work ethic or your lovable personality. They use their crazy manipulation tactics to get you to do things for them and sometimes pass off your wr as their own just for a stupid star on their forehead.
If you are people pleaser, you will constantly need to seek validation from random irrelevant people in order to believe in yourself. Now friends how do we break this violent cycle? Here are some tips:
1. If you cannot help, say no.
2. If you know the person is two faced, narcissist that only thinks of you in times of their need- say HELLLL NO.
3. If you feel like you have done all you could- tell them just that. You are human not Moses- you can’t part the ocean.
4. Never allow the opinions of others to dictate the person you know you truly are! Never.
5. Accept that you will never be everyone’s cup of tea- that’s why we have green tea, detox tea, neem tea and the works.
You’re not a doormat. You are not the lifeline on “Who wants to be a Millionaire?” You are not here to please the masses and be some kind of person of “importance” that will have a parade named in their honor for sacrificing your own personal peace. You will not be named after a public holiday or given a “thank you” when it’s done
Know your worth. Learn how to say “Sorry, not this time” and soon the leeches of society will receive a more assertive response.
We don’t aim to please. We aim to live with content, peace and mutual respect.
Hope this helps some of you “YES” people. Don’t say I didn’t try to knock some sense into that grey matter of yours lol
See you soon.
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