Buckle up, some piping hot tea will be spilt!
In the 80s and 90s, the term toxic was used as an adjective to describe something that is injurious to your health. It used to be on labels of poisonous chemicals, biohazardous waste and dump sites. In this decade its linked to actual people (these Gen Zs called it out). Yes, people can be injurious to health! Being around them can make you feel miserable and if you are around them for too long you are sure to endure the similar outcome if you were to drink Cyanide. Now for those of you who don't know, cyanide is an infamous form of poison (often preferred by housewives in the 90s), and it is usually fatal because it targets your heart and other vital organs, killing them and forcing them to shut down.
If you are wondering "Well how can a relationship be compared to that?" That is such a pleasure to answer because the answer is simple, toxic people have the same effect that poison has in your system because they trigger anxiety, palpitations, frustration, anger and sometimes fear. Even being around people with their level of energy makes your heart race the same way a dose of poison would. The misery they bring you is equivalent to the misery you feel when you want to actually throw up each time you have to interact. This level of stress and anxiety triggers your body to feel out of sorts and you are unable to think clearly, do normal tasks and even be your natural normal self. What kind of life is that?
Think of your body as being the vehicle of your life. Your body takes you from one destination to the next upon your own intent just like a motor vehicle would. You put the key into the ignition and the engine starts, you change gears and drive away from one place to the next. It’s the same with your body. YOU hold the key to your own ignition. You can choose when to switch the ignition on in your brain and move from place to place. You make that decision. The moment you reverse out of a car park, the first thing you look at, is what’s behind you and your intent is to be out of anyone’s way and exit the parking bay safely without harming anyone. Think of your life like that as well. Make the decision to reverse out of a bad environment and move to a different one without harming anyone in the journey. The rear-view mirror shows you what you are leaving behind and if you are ok with that, keep driving away.
Let’s break this down into different categories of toxicity in our own relationships. If there’s a problematic co-worker, tell yourself you have a mountain of debits so you either choose to ignore the Miserabalene, or change your work environment. Colleagues that bring your energy to a breaking point can easily be sorted out because you need to tell yourself that you earn a salary (which you damn well need) and you are purely hired to do a job, not socialise and network. Since you spend majority of your life at work, make the decision to either ignore the immature idiot or find alternative employment. Your time at work will not be a walk in the park however, it shouldn’t account for a large portion of your mental state.
Changing gears, there are some relationships that are more difficult to navigate such as relationships with friends and family.
A friendship that is difficult and requires a lot of attention and time is difficult to juggle considering we have so much on our plate these days. It’s also difficult to just up and leave a friendship because friends are usually our “go to” people. When these people become people that lack understanding of your life structure and how you have evolved, it’s almost impossible to maintain a healthy relationship. It’s the same sentiment with family. Ahh, the family part, here’s where it gets tricky. Time to spill some tea! Family is something you cannot choose and most of the time our troubles start at the family level. The conflict from past generations linger into the new generation and unless someone breaks that vicious cycle, it will continue. It’s a sensitive situation to say the least and in my opinion, an unhealthy family dynamic is something almost impossible to change.
How do you know if you are in a destructive family dynamic? In my experience, I tend to feel sick at the thought of even attending an event that includes them. I also feel dread, anxiety, overwhelmed and experience palpitations (hectic right?). A destructive family dynamic is one that leaves you with a “lose-lose” situation, meaning it doesn’t matter you do or say, you will never win them over or make anyone happy. You do not feel supported and are the scapegoat for almost every situation. You hear the gossip and wonder “how did that seed become a tree so quickly?” You feel ignored at gatherings and people look at you differently, almost as if they know the color of your underpants or that just tooted. It’s quite revolting really. In this day and age to experience such virulent behaviour is actually extremely sad. We have lost enough during the pandemic, and you would think people would change.
A healthy family dynamic doesn’t need work or energy. It flows. It’s beautiful. A safe family dynamic doesn’t require any effort at all, and it brings you peace and it’s meant to lighten the load not add to you already full retinue of crap. A loving relationship makes you feel supported and even if you are wrong, those people will guide you in the right direction and give you the advice and support that you need, not throw you to the wolves after you have vented your frustrations and poured your heart out. I don’t know who is going to read this and this is my experiences so if the shoe fits in their size, I can’t wait for the what’s app statuses in retaliation.
Moving on, a diseased relationship deserves to be given an antidote. The antidote is what you choose to do with the situation in front of you. If a relationship is toxic, walk away. Make the mature decision to walk away and be present, but from afar. Remember guys we don’t choose our families, so we can’t bring out the big old scissors and snip snip. We can, however, choose to focus on ourselves and on people that bring us joy because honestly life is heavy enough, we don’t need extra baggage bringing us down. We hold the key to every door of our life, and you can choose to lock the door to a relationship that’s not healthy and blooming at anytime (if you want, throw away the key for extra effect). We make the choice of who and what we allow to infiltrate our lives every single day. We decide of who gets our attention, our energy, our love, our time and our support. We hold that special key. Prioritise the family according to how they prioritise you and according to how they make you feel mentally.
We don’t live in an era of people that truly believe family comes first. There are a few but it’s limited to the family THEY choose to put first. There’s a difference kid. From my own point of view, I will make the decision of who and what I allow into my circle. Maintaining my respect for them, I will choose to stay in my own lane and away from the barrier of construction work (they can call me when they have fixed their construction of the situation). I will continue to support my support structure, and smile and wave, however I will continue to do what’s best for my peace of mind and for my future family’s peace of mind (don’t get excited- I’m not with child…yet). The life we have in front of us is already so extremely tumultuous and exciting at the same time, that we don’t have the time to entertain anyone or anything that is bringing us down light anchors in the ocean. Remember we are just visitors on this earth. We are here to learn, grow and return back to our eternal home. Your tribe, your vibe.
Let me know your thoughts!
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Did a not so lovely person come time mind whilst reading this?
Yes, maybe more than one
Nope, not at all
Brilliant