How to say “No mam, No ham, No turkey” … but in a respectful way.
No is an answer to a question, however, it magically resonates with others as a negative response. It’s simple, the answer is either yes or no. It’s the question that baffles us and sends us into thought bubbles. This is where creating boundaries without offending people comes in (if you want to offend them, that’s fine, we don’t judge here). Creating a boundary is one of the most profound Gen Z things I’ve heard since the acronym “TGIF”. These Gen Z guys weren’t messing around now where they. Pre Covid-19, the excuses I had to make up just to dodge a gathering were all from Google. I would not recommend Googling an excuse because I have used them all.
Post Covid-19, we find ourselves in a somewhat similar situation where you feel obliged to attend an event for a cousin’s cousin sister or for a function held for a person you last saw a hundred years ago. It’s draining. Let’s be honest, with our current occupations and life in general, it is absolutely draining to attend every single thing that you have been invited to. It’s ok to not go. Trust me, nobody is going to remember or even care if you show up or not unless they are within your close circle that you feel comfortable and happy to celebrate with.
There are some events that just give you anxiety, especially the nosy ladies in the corner that sit there with their overly done make-up and lipstick on their teeth and judge the way you look or why you haven’t had a kid yet. Those events have GOT TO GO. For the sake of your own energy and your own mentality, choose who you spend time with extremely carefully. If we transfer this way of thinking into our daily lives, we will come to the realisation that saying “no” is one of the healthiest decisions you will ever make.
Getting married soon? Oooh, this one’s for you! Gone are the days of inviting even your pet’s ancestors to your wedding. Having a kid? Spoiler alert, you don’t have to notify the whole bloodline dating to the 1900s. Those days of inviting people to your special life event has changed and I’m going to tell you why. Most of the people at your wedding or any event will not even remember the little details that you so carefully imprinted on their table. All they will remember is the lack of Coca-Cola on every table and how much everything looks like it costs. Life events should be celebrated with people that are a constant in your life. Life events should be just for people that actually care about you and what’s going on in your life.
Boundaries are also valid in the workplace. I LOVE this part. We are indoctrinated to be people pleasers because we believe that the more people like us, the likelihood of us landing our dream role increases. No, honey. Hard work is what gets you ahead. Brownie points and brown nosers are just useful for your superiors gain. Shame, if only they knew. Saying “no” in the workplace only relates to tasks that are not part of your portfolio and requires you to do something that you normally don’t do that benefits someone else. You will know if it’s a “favor” when your someone is unusually nice to you or if you receive random compliments from someone you barely interact with (urgh those one’s are the bane of my existence). If you are able to assist then do so but don’t do it with any intention of a reward or star on your forehead, it will never happen.
This is a tough part of the post because we come to the “family” card. Now you will probably think “Oh my gosh, how can she be so harsh?” The answer is easy, when my mother passed away in 2015, I really had a Birds Eye view of who actually mattered in my family and when my dad retired, the people that once overlooked him with any chance they got, suddenly were blowing up his phone asking for help (financially obviously). This is the point in my life where I brought out my giant red scissors and cut the big red ribbon completely, releasing them from my mind and from my life. Toxic family members exist and (I know I’m going to be gossiped about regarding this- so go for it babes!) include siblings, your parents, your aunties and uncles and even your cousins. I was bamboozled once or maybe twice (maybe more) by one of the above-mentioned categories of people when they celebrated a huge life event. I knew it was an unhealthy family member when I got blocked on What’s app. If you don’t get blocked by someone on What’s app are you even living the life!? Ahh, oh she unfriended me on Facebook too, however I wonder if that clause exists in real life? Did she un-family me? Heavies uh.
These people judge your life from the inside (since they are considered insiders) and bring in their negative, crappy and annoying aura into your life. They tell you how to live your life, what to do with your time and who to even engage with. Knowing my limited level of patience with inquisitive and intrusive extended family, I wanted to suggest that they focus on their daughter occupying “closet space” (if you know you know), instead of crossing the line with me. Once I was so tempted to say, “It’s Saturday, according to your schedule what should I do with my time today?” Oh, and don’t even get me started on people that ask, “why don’t you visit anymore?” Dude, it’s because I don’t want to (harsh but necessary).
I’m just going to be straight up and real. I have no problem pissing people off for the sake of my sanity because I know what toxicity does to a person. I will do whatever it takes to protect my mentality because damn, psychiatrists are expensive and I have come way too far to go backward. I will say no (in a nice way of course) just to protect my inner peace. If it doesn’t make me money or give me peace, I’m out! I will respectfully RSVP “no” because I just don’t want to attend. Keeping my circle small and life events smaller is a huge priority for me because not everyone is going to be happy for you. As you dwindle down your circle, you will come to find that you can count the people on one hand that will be there for you, that’s when you know your boundaries are set and are in place.
Here are some profoundly helpful tips on how to say “no”:
1. No (abrupt)
2. Nope (semi abrupt)
3. I’m so sorry I can’t make it (you still being nice here).
4. Apologies but I just can’t come because on that weekend my dog is going away to Worcester for training, and I have to prepare his gym clothes (100% believable).
From the responses above, you can see there are many ways to say no in a nice way and still be respectful. Don’t feel guilt tripped just because it’s family and don’t feel obliged if it’s not within your work portfolio. Remember “no” is an answer to a question. If it’s something that makes you feel uneasy or uncomfortable or sets off an anxiety trigger, then just say no. Trust me, nobody cares. Absolutely NObody.
Let me know your thoughts below and hit the like button if you found this useful and don’t forget to subscribe so you don’t miss out.
Happy boundary setting!😊😊😊
Comments