Who am I? Let me tell you my story

A much anticipated story that absolutely nobody asked for.

First things first, my name is Kamini and no not Ka-meeeni or Ka-mina...Kamini. I want to thank the loyal lot of you for taking time to read my posts/rants/complaints thus far. My honest intent is to share my story in the most raw way possible so that people out there don't feel so alone. The whole premise of this blog is to read about actual, relatable and truthful scenarios in the hopes that someone, somewhere in the universe can gain some kind of solace.

So here goes. I was first diagnosed with General anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder back in 2022. I sought professional help and the first few sessions where crap to say the least because I had to say out loud exactly what was bothering me. I was put on meds that seemed to have bonded with the resistant side of my body and honestly, there was slight improvement. As my psychiatrist got to know me better she pinpointed the triggers of my life... my beloved dad. Ever since my mum passed, I had this annoyingly overprotective nature towards my dad as I tried to keep him in this bubble. I would be way too invasive in terms of his health (that will never change) and I almost treated him like a child without even knowing it. Being the gentle soul he is, he never fought me on any decision and listened to me like I was the parent.

It became all too consuming and my attention from anyone else completely shifted to my dad in an unhealthy way. I was a helicopter daughter. I found myself anxious and worried about every possible thing that could go wrong with his health and stocked up on anything and everything that he may need for any health emergency. With my amazing husband by my side he supported me during my worry phases and my occasional messages during the day asking if dad was OK because he seemed quieter than usual. I iced out every opportunity to travel or go on holiday because I could not bare the fact of him being alone overnight. I became worried if I was at a mall for longer than usual and felt the need to rush home "just in case"...

That was my life for many years and I do feel that way still however after seeking help my psychiatrist (she's the best) asked me boldly "Your dad is over 60 right?" To which I replied proudly "Yes he is 67" with the biggest smile on my face. He will turn 70 this year (by the way). She then went on to ask me "So are you telling me,in his 67 years of life, how did he manage life without your help?" Perplexed I replied with "Um he was OK, he worked for 33 years and took care of us" to which she replied "Exactly". My dad is quite capable of looking after himself however the anxiety of his health can sometimes be difficult to navigate. In the passed couple of years I have been able to work through that by simply solving what's in front of me for example, if he is sick- investigate what's wrong and fix it.

When you are left with one parent, they often feel lonely and the first few years of their loss is difficult to say the least. The toll it took on my dad is probably something I won't understand however by being a helicopter daughter I was making him more uncomfortable. Before seeking professional help, I remember just sitting on my bed and staring at the wall not realizing how much time had passed by. One day I went to work and had no recollection of how I even got to Pietermaritzburg  and that was the day I decided to make the appointment. The medication prescribed didn't really make everything go away and it's the truth that you have to face what’s truly bothering you (it’s more than worry about my dad) and this is  what's going to heal you. I read as many spiritual books as possible. I learnt as many hindu songs as possible and Googled "how to feel less anxious" about 203 times. When my mind finds a solution hours later another trigger kicks in (probably work related).

My biggest anxiety is not being able to do 100% for my dad so that he can live the most amazing life possible- again not in my control but I’ll add to cart in the anxiety app. Iv watched my mum pass away (after days of agony) and although everyone has their time on this earth numbered, I don't want for my beloved father to encounter suffering of any kind. Working with this mindset you can also imagine someone or many people that you worry about. You may have an aging parent and feel the same way. You may be anxious or concerned about the health of your kids, spouse, pets or even yourself. You could be worried or generally a panic mechanic by nature and it must be driving you insane.

After sitting down with a professional, I was able to break down a few points:

1. I am not my dad's parent and being a nagging daughter must be absolutely miserable for that poor man. He is almost 70 and knows alot more about life than I do.

2. I'm his daughter and he needs a daughter- not a doctor, not a guidance counselor nor does he need a human GPS.

3. Let the dude live his life. He knows what he is doing. He doesn't need a babysitter.

4. Spoil him for as long as I can while I have him with me (even though he is a picky shopper).

It's the same for you. I'm sure there is a laundry list of things you worry about and it's hard to even prioritize at times.

I'm going to be honest when I say this, depression and anxiety are not adjectives... these two pieces of garbage are literally VERBS in my life. They feel the need to take action and and move freely in this mind of mine. It took me years to say it out loud and honestly, it's quite liberating when you go get professional help. When you take that step, it's not for attention or sympathy, it's to live. Read that again. Most people that seek treatment willingly do it because they had instances where they thought about "what's the point of even being here anyway?" People that seek help say "I don't care about the stigma, people can talk and I just don't care- I deserve and meaningful life".

It irritates me when social media downplays the severity of "mental cases" and yes, the mental health phenomenon has peaked since 2020, however using the term loosely aggravates me. Anxiety is not just a feeling for some, it becomes part of your life. Me being completely honest here, there are mornings I feel as though my heart is about to break through my chest and my hands quiver as I think about that day. I remember one day, I just looked in the mirror as I did my make up and said "Oh, why hello there Anxiety Angie. How long are you planning on staying today?" It made me chuckle. I acknowledged Angie and took a few breaths, grabbed a pill and popped it. For most people, their anxiety is easily manageable with a few good deep breaths, some grounding exercises and movement. However, for me, I do still need my supporting scheduled 5 crew (I can walk to Canada and still be anxious). I am working on getting off that though because I heard long term use messes up your brain- aren't I already messed up? Lol. Like what else is the brain going to do now to surprise me?

For the longest time my insecurities and my lack of confidence has led me into states of depression and severe anxiety. I initially didn't believe I was capable or able to do what needed to be done at work or in my personal life. I remember in primary school, I was made fun off because of my curly/wild, non-silky straight hair (we didn't have GHDs back then) and my hair was thick, curly and I was an awkward kid. Even in my teens, I was always a supporting character or the DUFF (designated ugly fat friend). I was okay with that because I didn't think I could be any different. As I got older, I brought these terrible ideologies into my adult life and constantly doubled myself, leading myself to belief that I was "less than" or incapable of doing things. In my 30s, I embrace my clumsy curly hair, the uneven eyebrows, the imperfect body type and the annoyingly anxious person that I am that has to always ask questions and feels the need to constantly apologize. I have developed confidence over the years because I faced my challenges... and WON. I looked at the mirror and said “Ah, you don’t look like an ogre so I can’t look that bad”. Sure, I have bad days and I guess the reason why I am the way I am is because of the lessons I learnt along the way. I am still coping with my mental health and I take it literally one hour at a time. I don't force myself to snap out of out it, buttttt I do tell myself "ITS GAME TIME" when I need to snap back to reality. You need that. Depression is not a “check in” location. There’s times where you gotta get shit done, so put on some empowering music and get shit done.

My depression and anxiety is not a hotel where I want to live forever, I owe myself alot more. I will not let the negative elements of my life ever live rent free in my mind however it is here and it's real and I need to face it. I have to make changes within my cabinet for my own sanity and thank God I have an amazing husband that understands. Support is absolutely crucial. You cannot do this alone.  This post is not to gain sympathy. This took a shhhhhid load of courage and I wrote this with the intent of someone being able to relate to it in some way, shape or form. If people ever downplay your feelings or brush it off, don't feel bad... only you know your pain. You don't have to justify why you feel a certain way... the feeling is there and you probably don't even know what the hell to do with this feeling. I strongly suggest that if you feel the following:

1. Lost interest in things that used to make you happy.

2. Numb or have no feelings due to a life event that negatively impacted you currently or in your past.

3. Your heart is going to explode due to to stress or an unexplained reason (not heartburn!)

4. You don't even care to eat or tend to over eat.

5. You have lost touch with reality and with the people around you (almost Zombie like).

6. You feel like your family and friends would be better off if you weren't around.

7. You have tried or thought about leaving this earth.

8. You have experienced panic attacks.

9. Indulging in intoxicants more than usual to help with anxiety or low moods...

You need to seek help.

It will not fade away with age or exercise. You need to have guidance in this journey. If you can't afford a professional, go to your nearest clinic and ask for a mental evaluation. If you hate long lines, pick up the phone and call someone you trust. If you don't feel like talking about it- talk to God. God always has time. Get out your religious book and read. Read the Bible, Quran, Bhagavad Gita or even watch inspirational videos to navigate what and why you feel this way. You have a trigger to this feeling and every trigger can be managed.

That was a lot.. it was a lot for me too. Keep an eye out for the next chapter where we discuss this at more length and I'm going to try to help you break things down.

Ps: I write these blogs and honestly I need to take my own advice (go figure).

Let me know your thoughts. I hope I didn't bore you with my bits but now you know me al little bit better. See you soon fam!